


why not me?

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Protective Rafael, Secret Relationship, not rollisi i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26941492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: It’s stupid really, getting this upset and drunk over a colleague she doesn’t even have feelings for. It’s just that it’s not fair. Not fair that she’s the one drinking alone in a bar, and Barba is the one getting home-made pasta and Sonny’s stupid commentary about adverts while he watches late-night TV.She could date Sonny, if she wanted to, if she made an effort. He doesn’t want sex anyway, so the fact that she’s not that into his looks isn’t a problem. Really, he just wants someone to look after, a family. She can provide that a hell of a lot better than Barba ever could, she’s already got a baby after all.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 95





	why not me?

**Author's Note:**

> TWs: acephobia... i think that's it? let me know if you want me to add anything!!

It starts with a declined dinner invitation. It’s the end of a long shift and an even longer week, and all Amanda wants to do is go home to Jesse. As she often does, she turns to Sonny, who is shrugging into his coat and waves to get his attention.

“Hey, you want to come over? I’ll get us some wine, you could cook and have dinner with Jesse and me?” she asks.

The younger detective smiles, as he always does when she mentions Jesse, but then shakes his head regretfully.

“I’m sorry, Amanda,” he says sincerely. “I’d love to, you know I love hanging out with you guys, but I actually have plans tonight.”

“Plans?” she questions with a raised eyebrow.

Sonny flushes, cheeks going a delicate pink. “Yeah, uh, it’s kind of… a date I guess?”

“A date… a first date?” Amanda asks, surprised.

It’s not that Sonny doesn’t date, it’s just that those occasions are few and far between, especially since he’d officially come out as asexual and stopped forcing himself to go out with people looking for nothing but sex.

He shakes his head. “Nah, it’s new, but not that new.”

“Right.”

He shuffles his feet uncomfortably then nods. “Well, I better get going. Don’t want to be late. Have a good weekend Amanda, give Jesse a kiss from me.”

Then he’s gone, hurrying out of the precinct with a smile back on his face. Amanda sighs and resigns herself to takeout and reality TV alone with the baby. It’s not a big deal. Sonny hasn’t really had much luck on the dating scene, and while she feels bad for him sometimes, she kind of likes that they can be lonely together.

Except, Sonny seems to be getting lucky this time – not literally of course – but over the next few weeks, Amanda hardly sees him outside of work. It’s not that she thought of him as her closest friend or anything, but after Nick left, and especially after she had Jesse, Sonny had been there for her. And sure, his enthusiasm and tendency to interject his opinion into every conversation whether it was wanted or not, was kind of annoying, but he’d really grown on her.

Frankly, she sort of misses his presence, how ready he always is to provide her with a home cooked meal and a shoulder to cry on. How he never complains about giving up his weekends to help her with Jesse.

So when, two months after he blows her off the first time, she asks him if he wants to go for a drink and he says no, she decides to find out more about the person he’s been dating. He’s been weirdly secretive about it.

Usually, Sonny can’t keep a secret to save his life, keeping everyone up to date on his business, even if they don’t care. But no one knew anything about this person he was supposedly seeing. Fin had shrugged when she asked him – which really, she should have expected. Liv had just raised an eyebrow and told Amanda to ask Sonny outright.

But the thing was, she had. When she asked Sonny about his date, all he’d said was: “It’s really new, we don’t want people knowing much yet.”

So when Sonny leaves that evening, Amanda gives him a three minute head start, then runs down the stairs. She reaches the ground floor of the precinct just as Sonny exits the lift. She hangs back in the stairwell, then follows him out onto the street, keeping her distance. It’s easy enough to not be spotted since it’s the middle of shift change and there are a dozen other cops leaving at the same time as her.

Amanda prepares herself to have to follow in her car, but Sonny doesn’t go towards the parking lot, instead starting to walk South. It’s pretty cold, so Amanda wraps her coat more tightly around her and starts to follow him.

It’s a little embarrassing, how easy Sonny is to follow. He doesn’t look around once as he hurries towards his destination, which proves to be a hole-in-the-wall sort of bar. Except Sonny doesn’t go in, which means Amanda has to suddenly duck into a side-street to avoid being seen.

She sticks her head around the corner and sees Sonny texting on his phone. He looks up when a man approaches him. There’s something familiar about him, but Amanda can’t get a good look at his face from this angle. Sonny puts his phone away and reaches out to hold the man’s hand. Together, they step up to the curb and Sonny sticks out his arm to flag down a cab.

Amanda edges out from behind the building as a cab pulls up, desperate to catch a glimpse of the man’s face. She gets lucky. Just as Sonny opens the door and the other man slides into the car, he turns to smile up at Sonny. Her jaw drops when she recognises ADA Rafael Barba, who says something that makes Sonny laugh and then shuffles further into the cab. Sonny follows him, swiftly closing the door behind them.

The cab drives off and Amanda leans against the brick wall.

“Barba?” she says out loud. “Really? Barba?”

Sure, the attorney is attractive in a slick sort of way. He certainly dresses well, if a little too colourfully for her taste. But he’s arrogant, too self-assured, and is often downright rude to Sonny. She’s seen the way Sonny’s face fell when Barba isn’t interested in his unwarranted legal advice – not that she can really blame him.

So she really doesn’t understand this… relationship of theirs. Doesn’t understand Sonny blowing her off for Barba of all people. She has her own issues, she knows, but really what can Barba offer that she can’t? At least she can have fun sometimes. And she has Jesse, Sonny loves Jesse – or at least she thought so. She shakes her head and decides to head home to her baby, alone.

Over the next few weeks, she watches Sonny – and Barba, when he’s around. She isn’t sure if he’s really that much happier. Sonny kind of… always seems pretty happy. It’s part of why he gets on her nerves sometimes. She knows for a fact that’s what grates on Fin, the way Sonny comes in on a Monday morning, looking bright and cheerful, and like there’s nowhere he’d rather be.

He does act a little different around Barba though, he’s chattier, seemingly less afraid of getting shot down. Barba certainly seems more tolerant of his legal babble, even gracing Sonny with a smile now and then. It’s kind of embarrassing, she thinks bitterly, the way Sonny follows Barba like a stray puppy, begging for scraps of affection.

It’s not that she’s in love with Sonny or anything – definitely not. He’s too young for her, for one thing, too innocent, too naïvely ambitious. But she misses having him around, misses his cooking, misses having someone that she doesn’t pay look after Jesse just because they think she deserves a break. She supposes that’s a sort of bitter jealousy, one that stings more because she’s being abandoned for a snarky ADA with a superiority complex.

When Liv unexpectedly lets them go early one Friday evening, where she hadn’t expected to be home till after midnight – and has the sitter booked until the next morning – she tries again.

“Fancy getting a drink, Carisi?” she asks as they get into the lift together.

His face falls guiltily. “I’m sorry, Amanda, but –“

“But you’ve got a date,” she interrupts sourly. “Yeah, I get it.”

“I’m sorry,” Sonny says sincerely. “Hey, how about Sunday, I come by and we take Jesse to the park.”

She nods stiffly as they walk out of the precinct. “Sure. I gotta get home, see you tomorrow, Carisi.”

He waves goodbye, heading to his car. Amanda gets into her own, but she doesn’t go home. Instead she drives to the closest bar she knows, where they’ll let her leave her car overnight and gets shitfaced.

It’s stupid really, getting this upset and drunk over a colleague she doesn’t even have feelings for. It’s just that it’s not fair. Not fair that she’s the one drinking alone in a bar, and Barba is the one getting home-made pasta and Sonny’s stupid commentary about adverts while he watches late-night TV.

She could date him, if she wanted to, if she made an effort. He doesn’t want sex anyway, so the fact that she’s not that into his looks isn’t a problem. Really, he just wants someone to look after, a family. She can provide that a hell of a lot better than Barba ever could, she’s already got a baby after all.

It’s probably that thought that leads to more drinking, which leads to the bartender cutting her off, which leads to her staggering outside and hailing a cab. Which somehow leads to her banging on the door to Sonny’s apartment at damn near two o’clock in the morning.

The door swings open and she almost falls face forward into Sonny, who is stood in front of her in sweatpants and a Harvard t-shirt, looking confused and sleep-rumpled.

“Amanda?” he asks, voice coloured with concern. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

She snorts unattractively. “What are you doin’ here? Date go badly? Or are you too ace to even stay over at Barba’s place?”

Sonny colours, but before he can answer, there are footsteps from inside the apartment and Barba appears behind her, wrapped in a robe that’s far too big to be his, hair combed even though he’s clearly only just woken up.

“Detective Rollins?” he says stiffly. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see him,” she says, pointing at Sonny.

Sonny throws Barba a look she can’t interpret, then steps aside. “Why don’t you come in Amanda, my neighbours have young kids, I don’t want to wake them up by having a conversation in the hallway.”

Barba turns and walks further into the apartment and Amanda and Sonny follow him into the living room. Barba flops onto the sofa, while Sonny detours through the kitchen, joining them with a glass of water, which he hands to Amanda. He sits next to Barba, close enough that she can see their shoulders and knees press together, leaving her to take the armchair.

“Amanda, what’s going on? You turn up here, you know about me dating Rafael… Is everything okay?” Sonny asks and of course he’s worried about her.

Amanda glares at him. “No. Everything’s not okay. You keep ditching me, me and Jesse, for him.”

She spits the words at him, tone harsh and Sonny looks crushed.

“I’m sorry, Amanda. I guess I’ve been a little wrapped up in things with Rafael. I never meant to neglect you or Jesse,” he says earnestly.

Barba doesn’t say anything, but he has one hand on Sonny’s knee and his eyes are narrowed in an expression Amanda recognises from the courtroom.

She nods at Sonny. “Fine, try harder, whatever, just… Why him?”

Sonny blinks. “What?”

“Barba, Rafael, counsellor, whatever you call him,” she slurs, gesturing at Barba. “What exactly is so special about him - what does he have, that I don’t have, huh?”

“Amanda, what are you talking about?” Sonny asks. “We’re friends, yes, but you never suggested –“

“What? That I want to have sex with you? That I’m in love with you?” she interrupts and the laughs. “Don’t worry, I’m not in love with you, Carisi – and I definitely don’t want to sleep with you. But you don’t want that anyway. Which is why I want to know, why you replaced me with him.”

Sonny is gaping at her, hurt and confusion written all over his honest face. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying? You don’t want to date me, but… you want me to want to date you?”

“Yeah, why not?” she says through the drunken haze in her brain, mouth moving almost of its own accord. “I don’t want sex from you, you don’t want it from me. You want someone to look after, I like your cooking and the way you act with Jesse. It would be the perfect set up.”

Sonny looks down at his lap and for the first time since they sat down, Barba speaks.

“You,” he says, a sharp edge to his voice. “Need to stop talking right now, Rollins.”

She sneers at him. “Or what, counsellor? You’ll hold me in contempt?”

The corner of his mouth twitches up into one of his cold smirks “Oh, I’ll do a lot worse than that.”

“Rafi,” Sonny says softly. “Don’t.”

“Rafi?” Amanda repeats. “Seriously? Sonny think about it, we could have something good, better than this anyway.”

“That’s enough!” Barba says and though he doesn’t raise his voice, any retort she had dies in her throat at the stony look in his eyes. “Who do you think you are, to come here and shit all over our relationship?”

Amanda opens her mouth to reply, but he raises a finger on the hand that isn’t stroking across Sonny’s thigh.

“I’m not done,” Barba says and she shuts her mouth again. “You’re sitting here and complaining because, what? Sonny and I are dating and you’re not? Do you even understand how condescending you sound, when you tell him that you could settle for him because you like his food and the free childcare?”

“I didn’t mean,” she starts, but Barba cuts her off.

“You did, that’s exactly what you meant,” he says and hot shame flushes through her body. “Sonny isn’t some consolation prize, detective. He’s an amazing, kind-hearted man who deserves a lot more than you – or even I – can give him. If you miss him because he’s your friend and you’ve seen less of him, that’s fine. But don’t try and trick yourself into thinking it’s about anything more than that. You don’t know what it is to love someone like him, because if you did, you wouldn’t be here right now, talking about his sexuality as if it makes it easier for you to get what you don’t really want anyway.”

Amanda watches at him, this vain, cocky man who’s sat berating her whilst wearing a fluffy bathrobe at two in the morning, jaw set and eyes steely, and feels tears stinging at the corners of her eyes. She looks across at Sonny who is staring at Barba too, something a little like awe and a lot like love in his gaze and she feels sick.

“You’re right,” she chokes and Sonny’s eyes fix on her again. “I’m sorry, Sonny. You don’t deserve this.”

He nods, looking over at Barba, before looking back at her. “I don’t. I’m gonna be honest, I don’t really know why you came here just to say those things… You don’t want me, Amanda, we both know that.”

“I…” she tries to explain. “I don’t know. I just… I guess I’ve missed you. I liked when it was just the two of us.”

“That’s not an excuse,” Barba says even as Sonny’s face starts to soften. “You still said those things, you still came here in the middle of the night to say them.”

She nods, suddenly feeling very tired. “I know. And I’m going to try and make it up to you when I’m sober and you haven’t been dragged out of bed. So… I’m sorry and I’m going to go.”

She gets to her feet, swaying a little, and Sonny gets up too.

“Wait,” he says. “It’s late, you’re still really drunk. Stay here for tonight.”

She looks hesitantly between him and Barba. “Are you sure?”

Sonny nods, even though Barba is still staring at her with a look that tells her, if he had it his way, she’d already be out on the street.

“Yeah, come on, I’m not angry enough to want you to get murdered on your way home,” Sonny says in a poor attempt at humour, but she smiles anyway.

He tugs Barba up off the couch and then pulls a blanket out of a basket beside the coffee table, handing it to her.

“Thanks,” she says and he nods.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Amanda.”

“Night, Sonny, counsellor.”

Barba still looks murderous, but he nods and lets Sonny pull him out of the living room and down the hall to the bedroom. When they’re gone, Amanda collapses onto the sofa with a groan, pulling the blanket over her.

The room spins from the sudden movement and she covers her face with her hand. She’s really, really fucked up, but she’s too drunk to try and figure out how to fix it now. She just hopes that in the cold, sober, light of day tomorrow, she’ll be able to apologise properly.

Amanda wakes with a pounding headache and a mouth as dry as the desert. She cracks an eye and sees a large glass of water and two paracetamol on the coffee table directly in front of her. She sits up, swallowing hard against the rising nausea, and takes the pills, draining the glass of water in one go.

She looks around and sees Sonny seated at the small dining table, laptop open in front of him. His face is a little puffy, eyes rimmed with red, and last night comes rushing back to her in a wave of guilt and regret. She must make a noise, because he looks over at her, offering her a small smile.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks, getting to his feet. “Do you want some coffee?”

“Uh, sure,” she says and he disappears into the kitchen, reappearing shortly with a mug of coffee.

She takes a sip and of course it has the exact amount of sugar and milk in it.

“Thank you,” she says and he nods, returning to his seat at the table. “Where’s Barba?”

Sonny nods his head towards a closed door. “Shower, he’ll be done soon, if you need the bathroom.”

“No, it’s okay,” Amanda says quietly. “Look, Sonny, I’m sorry.”

His hands twitch, where they’re poised over the laptop and he shakes his head. “It’s okay, Amanda, you were drunk.”

“I was, but that’s not an excuse,” she says. “What I said… you have to know I didn’t mean it. You’re not someone to settle for Sonny, you’re great, one of the best guys I know. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

Sonny nods, but doesn’t say anything.

“I did miss you, that part was true. Not just because you’re good at cooking, or good with Jesse. But because you’re my friend. And I’m sorry I equated what you have with Barba, your relationship, with friendship just because you’re ace. It’s not the same at all, and I’m so sorry, Sonny,” she says and she doesn’t think she’s ever apologised so sincerely to anyone.

“Thank you, Amanda,” Sonny says quietly, his eyes a little glassy. “I’m not going to lie, what you said… it hurt, I thought we were friends and you kind of just, threw it in my face.”

“We are,” she insists. “We are friends. I just haven’t been a very good one. Barba was right, I have been taking advantage of you, but if you’ll let me, I’d like to change that, to start over.”

Sonny shakes his head. “You weren’t taking advantage, I like hanging out with you and Jesse, cooking for you.”

Amanda grimaces. “Still. Can we – can we try again? Try and stay friends?”

“Of course.” He’s on his feet and enveloping her in a hug before she can blink.

She returns it, wrapping her arms around his lean frame. “Thanks Sonny.”

He lets her go and smiles at her. “Sure.”

“I uh, I should be getting home to Jesse, the sitter’s still there,” she says.

“I agree,” Barba’s voice chimes in and she turns to see him exiting the bathroom in jeans and a cashmere jumper, hair still damp and a fair amount of stubble on his face. “I take it you’ve apologised?”

She clenches her jaw, but nods. “I have.”

“We’re okay, now, Rafi,” Sonny says crossing the room to pull Barba into his arms and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Barba smiles warmly at him, before turning to Amanda, smile fading. “I’m glad to hear it. I hope I don’t have to tell you, detective, that if something like this happens again, you’ll find New York is suddenly not a very comfortable place for you to be.”

“Understood,” she says, even as Sonny’s eyes widen in horror. “I’ll see you at work, Sonny.”

He shakes his head. “Nah, tomorrow. We’re taking Jesse to the park, remember?”

“You still want to do that?” she asks as Barba rolls his eyes and mutters something in Spanish.

Sonny smiles. “Of course.”

Amanda returns the smile. “Then I’ll see you tomorrow, Sonny.”

“Bye,” he says, walking her to the door.

When it closes behind her she sighs and rubs her hands across her face. She really doesn’t deserve a friend like Sonny Carisi.

* * *

“Are you okay?” Rafael asks once Sonny has shown Amanda out.

He takes Sonny’s hand and leads him to the sofa, sitting down next to him and pulling Sonny’s lanky body against his chest.

Sonny sighs against his neck. “Yeah, she apologised. I know she didn’t mean half of what she said.”

Rafael scoffs pressing a kiss to Sonny’s temple, arms tightening around him. “Doesn’t matter if she didn’t mean it, she still said it. She still hurt you.”

“She did,” Sonny admits. “But we’re friends and clearly I hurt her too, to a degree.”

“I suppose so,” Rafael allows. “You know everything she said was wrong, right? You’re not just someone to keep around because you’re good at looking after people.”

Sonny smiles. “Yeah, you made that pretty clear when you yelled at Amanda last night”

“I didn’t yell,” Rafael says with an eye-roll.

“You kind of did,” Sonny teases with a smile. “But thank you for doing it.”

Rafael tilts Sonny’s head with a gentle hand under his chin and leans in to kiss him.

“Of course, mi amor. I love you.”

“I love you too, Rafi,” Sonny says softly, then yawns widely. “What do you think about going back to bed?”

“Fine, but only for a couple of hours, I’ve got things to do today.”

“Sure,” Sonny says, clambering off the sofa and pulling Rafael up with him. “A couple of hours at most.”

Rafael sighs. “I’m not getting anything done today, am I?”

“Probably not,” Sonny says, but when he’s smiling like that, Rafael isn’t sure he can bring himself to mind.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry to any amanda stans, i did her a little dirty, i know she's not this awful in canon. hope you guys liked it anyway?
> 
> i'd love your kudos and/or comments or come scream at me on on tumblr ([@hefellfordean](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com)) or twitter ([@angstypalermo](https://twitter.com/angstypalermo)) if you like


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